4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
The air was thick with penises
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Im part way to drunk.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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