I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
