You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
whose parrot is this?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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