so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
