this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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