i permit you to call me
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize