the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
where are my eyebrows?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
