peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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