Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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