Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
