I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
