sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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