So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
