she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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