update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
