If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I can't put those talents on a resume
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Randomize
