: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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