Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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