i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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