Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
