I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
