In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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