May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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