I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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