Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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