Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
