my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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