Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
