I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
