The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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