I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
