Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
