I think i peed on brittanys purse
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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