If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
