Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
