Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
