textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
