i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
