The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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