our cab driver is having phone sex.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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