I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
