Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
