It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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