I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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