So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
