Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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