Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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