Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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