I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
