I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize