I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Randomize
