So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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