break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
