Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm drive I can fine osifer
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize