my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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