Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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