i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
