Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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