Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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