Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
