i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
