i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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