we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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