Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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