I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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