I'm jealous of your bromance
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
