so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize