i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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