I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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