dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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