don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
