I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
We have started to decorate penises.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
