You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
