he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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