Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
