**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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