she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
