I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
