What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
