Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
