i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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